Growth is Painful!!!!

What I’m about to write is of a very personal nature and if you are not up to it, please stop and don’t read this specific blog. I am pouring my heart out and just telling you how it is being here, experiencing this and what it’s like to be in the midst of it.

This week has been a struggle for me in so many ways and on so many levels. I struggled with learning the Silver Grain, which, until I came to France and Michel told us about it, don’t recall ever seeing it in America or anywhere else. We are working on oak and in France, this is THE premier wood used and painted. I explained to the class how Americans don’t use oak for much decorative use anymore and we lean towards Cherry and Mahogany.

It turns out that this Silver Oak is the most difficult thing you can do in the decorative art field. WOW. That’s huge!!! I found out why when I struggled to wrap my mind around how it is formed and thus, make it into a beautiful piece painted. We worked on it for quite a few days and it brought me to tears Monday evening.

I was soaked in frustrations, in realizing how difficult it is to be away from home in a land you don’t speak their language and missing my family and friends. Sleepless nights and wrestling with “am I going to get this?” were flooding my mind and heart. I was feeling the pressure I put myself under to do it so well and to make the most of this time in France.

Up to this point in opening myself to art, which is only been in the past two and a half years, everything came seamlessly easy for me. I had hit a wall and knew it. I wasn’t able to replicate the work and knew it wasn’t coming from within. I didn’t trust myself all of a sudden and wondered about so many things.

I cried and my sweet husband called me when I E-mailed him at 1:15 a.m. my time telling him I couldn’t sleep and was in trouble. He talked to me and helped me to see things differently. Said things that could only come from him to calm my heart and spirit and the pressure I was putting on myself. Told me how proud he was of me just being here and that I was jumping from Kindergarten to College in a very short period of time.

I went to school the following day and Michel, not missing anything, knew I’d been upset and asked me how I was. I told him I’d been crying overnight and had a difficult time. He then told me and the entire class that what we don’t understand is that art brings out emotions when you are into it and he expects everyone who takes his class to go through this or he worries about their involvement in the class and by that I assume how engaged we are. He explained that art brings out emotions regardless. When you put yourself into a situation like this, where the classes are so intensive and you are building one concept learned immediately into a more intense and difficult concept, then you are bound to experience all kinds of emotions.

I made it through finally getting the oak panel completed except for the top coat on Thursday. I did the heart grain on one side and struggled with completing the silver grain. Michel, picking up on this, came and helped guide me through the rest of that particular piece.

On Friday, we proceeded in the afternoon to do the Sea Green Marbling. This is the marble you see most on American counter tops in kitchens. A beautiful green with meandering breaks in the marble.

I struggled. There were times I thought about just walking around the neighborhood. I actually started cleaning off my board at one point to hear gasps in the class as they saw that I was starting over LOL. The more upset I got, the more frustrated, the worse I did on the panel and thus, the more I’d get upset. I knew my panel looked terrible and needed some major help. It was a beautiful piece of veined marble, but this particular marble is breche (broken and fragmented). I kept looking at it and the more I looked it, I knew in my heart, I HAD to do this without Michel’s help. What you are feeling in art, translates onto the piece you are working on. I’ve always heard this, but saw it in action for myself as I struggled.

Once again, Michel read this in me and kept bypassing my panel and helping the others, with the exception of Patrick who is “nailing it” with the oak and the marbling techniques lately. I’m so proud of him!!!

Michel didn’t try once to come to my aid and I was actually hoping he wouldn’t, but I could see the distress on his face, as he knew of my struggles and wanted to help.

At one point, most of the class had finished and had walked outside for some air and to smoke. Marina and I were the two left in the class and I took all the pressure off of myself and said “girl, you cannot do any worse and Michel says it needs more work.” I let go and within minutes had the panel looking so much better and the reactions from the other fellow class members was “wow” when they returned, even telling me it didn’t even look like the same piece.

Michel came inside and said “Tammy, I knew you could and needed to do this”, hugged me and gave me a "high five" and kept commenting about how good it looked and that he wouldn’t change a thing. That’s HUGE LOL.

I am proud of this moment, but it has stirred something major in me this weekend. I’m realizing that art doesn’t come from something controlled and made or even learned. It can be enhanced by instruction and studying, but cannot be made that way. It is surrendered to, given over to, letting go and letting it flow and not having an attachment to the outcome that you can truly be free to paint and express in this way.

Funny, when you are growing in life, how many things you can find to cry over. I even cried over not having my own coffee from America today LOL. I cried and was touched deeply over a card Susan, Victoria, Shelly and Kym sent with a picture of them smiling at me and holding a picture of the Eiffel Tower with a note saying "Tammy, we love you and miss you." I cried over not having my bed at home and having my husband's arms around me. I cried over the weather being cold and nasty outside, need I go on? LOL.

I have remembered today what a precious friend said to me just before I left. I went by to see Ric Standridge who explained to me how proud of me he was and that what I was going to do and embark on, he needed to discuss with me. He told me that even though I was going on this fantastic journey and was going to learn from one of the best, that I would go through such immense pain and suffering because of it, probably more than I'd ever known before. That most artists don’t discuss things like this, but it happens. It’s when we let go and allow that we can truly do art. He said if I came through this, I’d be a much better artist than I could imagine and allowing the inside of me to be expressed on a piece, is the gift to others. He warned me about how intense the pain would be and I found it today.

He also presented me with a card of a painting he’d previously done entitled “Love of Self”. It’s when you surrender that love comes out, it’s in letting go of what you can and cannot do that you find it. We are taught in our daily lives to go after things, to control, to make things happen. This concept is not infallible and cannot be done with all things. Inside the card says simply “Peace”. I am finding that there is peace, but only through letting things go.

As I thought of these kind words, I’m grateful he cared enough to warn me of this time on this journey and it was a solace to me. Thank you so much Ric!!!! You were a blessing in France today with a little lady who felt lost.

I’m learning that growing is painful, that it costs you something. That moving forward is not that easy and requires everything you have to get there. That anything worthwhile has personal sacrifices, but the rewards are going to be grand when you get through it. I already had learned much of this but with this particular time in my life, the lessons are totally different.

I’m learning a lot about myself, as well as my children, friends, family and especially my mate for life. I don’t want to embarrass Tom, but he’s been the most wonderful and understanding and supportive man alive. Not once has he been selfish in his talks with me. Not once has he asked me to come home and stop this or give up this dream.

I’m learning that you can feel empathy for each other in class when you are struggling, because you know that you either have, or your number will soon be up and you will.

I’m learning a lot about grace through Michel and Kyoko both and to what extent they are willing to go to help you through this learning experience both personally and professionally. They are beautiful people and know of the struggles we go through.

I’m learning just how much you can suffer without the love of your life in your daily life and the others who so surround your existence in the small world in which we all live.

I had no intentions of writing this to you all, but felt that I had to share this with you. I hope it touches something inside of you as well as it is me. What I was going to write was some fun things about the French and some very interesting facts about living here and the French. I will do this next time, along with an account of going to the Coast with Patrick, Marina and Patrick’s wife and daughter this coming weekend. YEAH!!!!

I will post pictures of the oak graining this evening and will be posting the Sea Green Marble as soon as we get the top coat on it for you to see.

Take care, and until next time . . . . GROW, have the courage to do that which you have been postponing and know you can!!!!!

In loving gratitude for all things - Tammy